I can’t keep on like this. My mind wants to do things that my body is unable to do. I do not have the resources. This is unsustainable. I am suffering. Some. Thing. Has. To. Change.
I found myself once again lying by the side of the road with my head in my hands. I sobbed.
This has been one journey – an intentional journey about happiness, enduring happiness, but like all journeys challenge will come and with it deep existential questions. Why am I doing this? What is the point? How did I get here again? Inevitable really.
It is just an idea
I’ve not really been listening. I had an idea that grew and that idea was to cycle to Bhutan. It was an idea from a time in my life when I didn’t know certain things and for my own wellbeing I had to enact that idea into reality.
It is my attachment to that idea that has sometimes got me over vast mountains and resulted in deep unbridled happiness, but it is my attachment to that idea that has often blocked my ability to listen to my physical and emotional needs. My attachment that has left me in despair and sobbing for relief. I can’t keep on like this – I do not have the physical resources; I am lonely – something has to change.
As I write it has been a week since I’ve been on the bike in any serious capacity. I’m trying to work out what I need to do. What I am capable of doing? I’m in Panama and about to cross into Costa Rica. It is hot here. Too hot for me to cycle too much. Too hot to stop and camp where I please. I have physical limits and need to set boundaries that support me or otherwise I’ll be back sobbing by the road.
Slower. More breath. With people.
Christopher – no cycling after 11am; no more than 50km; take a bus as much as you need; rest your body.
I’m excited about being in Costa Rica – it is an important place to explore in a journey about happiness and well-being. Costa Rica being the most progressive nation when it comes to sustainable well-being. A country that doesn’t overuse its resources to create happy citizens. A suitable place to enact on sustainability in my own life.
Who can tell what happens beyond Costa Rica. It is not even the peak of summer yet but I need to cross to Asia before winter kicks in in the northern hemisphere and getting as far as Canada, the country with the most advanced national well-being measure, is an important part of this journey. I can’t cycle all the way.
Something has to change. Better to do that sooner rather than later…it will be worse later. Listen.