What do you consider to be your perfect day? Is it about the things you do, or about how you feel? Maybe it’s a bit of both. But perhaps it’s a little more complex than that.

In this blog post I describe how a perfect day is not about feeling ‘good’ all the time, and that a perfect day ought to leave room for at least a little sadness.

Recording happiness

Every day I ask myself how happy I feel on a scale of 0 to 10. I’ve been doing this for years and it’s helped bring more happiness to my life. I have a better understanding of why some of my days are happier than others and I have changed things about my life to enable me to feel happier.

I used to think that a perfect day was about experiencing a 10 happy. And that ideally, I’d feel a 10 on happiness every day. However, a few years ago something changed. I began to cry. Not just once every few years when something really disastrous happened, but for several days on end.

At the time difficult things were happening in my life that I had little control over. It didn’t feel pleasant as I was crying, with the tears being driven not just from feeling helpless and hopeless, but from shame about feeling the way I did. However, once I had finished crying, I’d feel better about my life. Those tears brought with them a powerful release.

My days back then weren’t 10 happy. Often nowhere near, and it was a difficult period in my life. However, I do feel grateful for having those days. Not least because I’m far more attuned to my emotions than before. And on some days, despite registering myself a 10 happy, I will happily shed a tear.

Making room for anxiety and sadness

Back when I started asking how happy I was each day, I also asked how anxious I felt on a scale of 0 to 10. I have often been awash with anxiety, and I had always thought that less anxiety had to be better. But what I quickly appreciated by tracking both my anxiety and happiness is that on the days when I tried to do something new or challenging, which was very likely to bring a profound 10-like happiness, there would also be a fair bit of worry and doubt swashing about my mind.

I began to appreciate anxiety as part of the human experience and that at least a little was no bad thing. Of course, anxiety can get out of control sometimes. But even then, I’ve come to learn that for me mounting anxiety is a warning sign to pay close attention to what is happening in my environment that is feeding it.

It wasn’t until much later that I also began recording my sadness. I now also ask each day how sad I feel. My experience a few years ago has helped me appreciate that sadness is not simply the opposite of happiness. That the two can coexist, and that to feel one there must be a capacity to feel the other too.

Like anxiety, my sadness has brought opportunities for personal growth and development, giving me an indication that I am not okay about something in my life. And that if I can, although easier said than done, I need to try and change something about it. Also, when I’ve shown sadness to others, difficult and risky as that can be, I’ve found that it can invite in much needed support and compassion. Likewise, understanding my own pain has helped me be with others in their pain, and that has brought in closer connections.

Taking things even deeper

Yet, my most profound experiences of sadness are in those rare moments of pure presence when it is possible to be with the world as it is – with all its beauty and all its suffering. In those moments, nothing less than a tear will do.

I have plenty of days when, despite making time to connect with others, get some fresh air, exercise a bit, meditate, and play, I won’t feel a 10 happy. I might feel a 1 or 2 on sadness and anxiety. Perhaps I’ll register a score much higher than that.

But that’s all okay.

Because it is on those days where some of my most important work on happiness gets done. The days when I have to do the work of accepting myself and my experience exactly as it is. When amidst whatever pain or pleasure is presenting itself, I am clear on what I am and my values, and that I can appreciate that everything I think, feel, and do is a necessary part of the cosmic dance. That everything matters. Those are the perfect days.