I’m now three months into my life in Sierra Leone – and it has not been easy. I now know that whilst it may well get easier as the weeks and months unfold, it will never be easy. Not like my last life was. And so, whilst it is always appreciated to get a hard lesson in gratitude from time to time, it’s also never wise to distract ourselves from how we’re feeling day-to-day.

Since arriving, I’ve noticed my tendency towards behaviours that I do not like to see myself doing. In fact, I’d rather not be doing them at all, and yet, still I do them. There is a compulsion – sometimes too strong to avoid. I shan’t go into too many details about ‘the what’ of it – some are a little embarrassing – but let’s just say that watching shitty videos on YouTube and drinking sugary drinks are the ones I’m least embarrassed about…not least because I’m far from alone in doing these.

Now, rather than get lost on thinking I’m somehow a shitty person, I’d rather ask myself what’s really going on. Perhaps then I might be able to do something about it and find my way back to myself.

Escaping Ourselves

First, although it doesn’t solve it, I am slightly reassured in the knowledge that organisations like YouTube and sugary drink makers thrive on actively encouraging addiction – that’s an essential part of their business model. Once we start it’s difficult to stop…so therein lies one solution, don’t start…don’t even let them get a hook in…

That’s, of course, much easier said than done…especially when life feels difficult. And it’s when things are difficult, and in particular not wanting to feel that difficulty, that is the deeper source of the habit. That video, that sugary drink, is little more than a temporary escape…which can be okay, so long as life is not a series of temporary escapes from life itself.

I’m no stranger to compulsion and I’m not saying I didn’t have things I didn’t like to see myself doing back in Edinburgh. Far from it. My destructive habits just didn’t have control of me in the way they seem just now. I can see some difficult habits building and if I don’t examine myself more deeply, and take some ownership over how I’m feeling, then perhaps I will never truly inhabit my life here – instead watching the time pass by whilst distracting myself from it, only to carry some of those same habits with me long after Sierra Leone.

Unmet Needs

To be happy, we have to be willing to be unhappy. Our unhappiness often points towards unmet needs — for connection, comfort, meaning, familiarity, rest, safety, love. And whilst it’s tempting to cover those feelings over with temporary reliefs, doing so can block the very path through them.

Sometimes those needs cannot be met in the way we want them to be. Sometimes life changes shape and what once sustained us is no longer available. That can bring grief, loneliness, even hopelessness. But hopelessness is not always the end of the story. Needs can sometimes be met in unexpected ways — through new people, new rituals, deeper honesty with ourselves, or simply through allowing ourselves to feel what we’ve spent so long avoiding.

I think that’s part of what this season of life is asking of me now: not to escape my feelings quite so quickly, but to stay with them long enough…to feel again.

Mutual Support

I’ve got a good number of people in my life who are no strangers to compulsive behaviour. In fact, I’d say many of my closest relationships are grounded in open and honest reflections on ourselves and the ways we struggle.

Our relationships are built on mutual support. The honesty we share about ourselves and our ways of coping feeds me enormously too. It reminds me that none of us are uniquely broken, and that openness between people can loosen shame’s grip.

“To feel again…” is a mantra I’ve been sharing with one friend recently. I think what I’m beginning to realise is that we rarely return to feeling through willpower alone. Often, we need other people to help us back into our lives — people who can sit with us honestly enough that we no longer need to run quite so far from ourselves.